much like a hermit crab seeking a new shell, i've decided to crawl out of this livejournal thing into a new and more exquisite home. you can now access my stuff on http://www.varock.wordpress.com

the "friends-only" posts have transferred also.
message me if you want the password.

i'm probably not going to update this thing anymore. bye.

as if the Past doesn't haunt me enough already, i absolutely hate stumbling across little mementos that inevitably give me a nostalgic notion of the person its associated with. i suppose it's only a natural human tendency to initially blame someone else for the end of a relationship, and then ultimately finding assurance in the fact that you're the fuckup who couldn't put his ego aside; couldn't put history aside to just devote yourself to that person. it makes me wonder if i'll ever really be capable of a meaningful relationship. there's nothing worse than thinking your ship has sailed and sunk because of your own self-absorption. everytime i think i've changed for the better, i realize it's just a lie that i tell myself; a defense mechanism for me to cope. have i really matured? do i really care about things that i should care about? probably not, and that's what scares the shit out of me. i feel that certain events in my life have happened that have thwarted me into this current position (slump) and while i don't blame any of my shortcomings on them, i definitely feel that i have a much different perspective on love, relationships, and the outlook of eternal fulfillment. there's often both passion and indifference in me at the same time regarding the same things. i suppose in the end, indifference prevails and i'm left sitting here writing in this pre-pubescent journal website hoping to resolve my inner-conflicts by rambling on and on about ONE person, one goddamn person that i've never been able to abandon ever since i met her. i miss the hell out of her, but i know that she would lead a better life without me in it. i've realized that for me to encroach upon her life would only be for purely selfish reasons. i'm no good for her. i might be good for someone else, but not for her. despite how amazing she is and despite how much i love everything about her, i just can't do it. i won't do it.

the feeling
that desire spawning from somewhere
that can almost aptly be described as
the soul.
as if that spirit inside of you
is begging, yearning to be let loose upon human flesh.
you go outside.
you inhale life and exhale smoke.
take a few steps and
look up towards the polluted stars,
the diluted sky.
you don't belong here.
who are you?
you've caught the moon by the tail,
it's in your grasp and you can feel it.
coarse and harsh.
what is it?
you come back inside but it still stirs.
god dammit, what is it?
there's a violence inside of you;
probably inside all of us.
ideas, perspectives, insights,
identity-
struggling, competing, fighting
for significance.
in the end, vast emptiness consumes you;
consumes everything.
a sense of desolation and bleakness
reigns over these "biological" tricks;
floundering accounts of all that is holy and unholy.
if this city is cancer,
if the world is a disease,
what does it make us?
merely pieces of an infinite puzzle
which, when viewed from afar,
would only reveal fragments;
incomplete, incalculable, unsolvable, irresolvable;
undeniable.
to burst and bloom fruitfully on this earth
would require steadfast passion, devotion, or enrichment.
all of which come natural to the observer;
that point in the sky by which all things
emerge.
dependency and despondency often seem
interchangeable,
reconcilable by you and you alone.
but again,
who are you?
what are you?
cries toward that deaf heaven would only yield
abstracted results;
a void;
a loss of feeling.
nausea.






*inspired by jean-paul sartre

"wake up and it'll all be over". this is what i used to tell her. as if sleep would be the cure to all life's problems. as if shutting your brain off for a few hours somehow manages to erase all the things wrong in your world. "wake up and it'll all be over". turns out, she discovered that not waking up at all would be the only solution to her problems. "wake up and it'll all be over". i should've taken my own advice tonight but i didn't. no, i never do.

2009 is upon me but i can't get over the fact that she left everything in 2008. or was it me that left her?

i'm starting to warm up to the busier days. regardless of the content of the actual day, i appreciate occupying my mind with something other than the obvious. the theme of the weekend was "fire". i spotted a fire in montecito on thursday night. on my way back to la on friday, i noticed there was still plenty of smoke billowing over the freeway. i saw another fire friday night...this time in sylmar. i'd never seen a wildfire in real life before so it was a pretty surreal sight.

quantum of solace is a pretty good follow-up to casino royale. it definitely wasn't as good as it should've been, however. i think the plot and characters should've been more developed. the editing seemed a bit rough during parts as well. overall though, it was entertaining and most of all, NOT BAD. the bond franchise is still very much relevant.

i'm way behind in school but that could be remedied by a week of intense work. so who's going to do it for me? i feel a bit refreshed having skipped a shitload of classes in the past 2 or 3 weeks. i feel like i can go strong til about thanksgiving...and hopefully the time at home will refresh me enough until the end of the qaurter. i lack scholastic stamina.

oh yea, i lost a good $225 betting on randy couture. i regretted placing that bet as soon as i placed it. i'm kind of glad i lost it though. gambling has left a bad taste in my mouth. i think i'll hold off for awhile.

i want a job but i'm afraid it will make me lose focus of school and i definitely need to nail these next 2 years. i do like money though. perhaps i can look into some illegal means of acquiring money.

i don't have much to say but i felt like writing because i haven't written anything positive in awhile. i just regret it not being more entertaining. this is something that my future-self would easily skim or skip entirely.

i think the early morning is the worst time for me. it's pretty ironic because a few months ago, i would've said that the early morning (when i'm up) is one of the best parts of my day. i used to love the tranquility of the transition between dusk and dawn. i used to love the cooler temperatures and treating it with a nice cup of coffee. now, as it stands, it is the worst part of the day because it's the time of the day where i'm alone with my thoughts. i have no distractions to divert myself from the truth that she's gone. sometimes i could be on the verge of slipping into sleep before that reality falls on me and it hurts deep in my gut. i can't say i've ever truly understood heartbreak until now and it's not even of the romantic kind. i swear i would give anything to change the past, change how i treated her. i should've told her how much she really meant to me but as it is, i'll never get the chance anymore.

i long so much for that belief that i'll get to see her again. in fact, i've even tried reading ghost stories and researched evidences of paranormal shit. i just want so much for her to still be around in any shape or form. i want to believe that she's watching over us and i want to believe that she finally has reached the happiness and calmness that has eluded her her entire life. i don't know that though. i can only hope.

i've been having what most people would call nightmares. most of them are apocalyptic or involve me dying in some sort of way. i think there's an inherent fear of dying in most people but i think that fear has been almost entirely absent since what happened. i don't fear death, but i fear the pain before death. anyway, there's a moment in my dream where i realize that i'm about to die so i try to focus and make my last thought something special...perhaps something that will transfer over once i'm actually dead. in instances where the world is ending, i'm just relieved that we'd all (my family and i) get to die together and that there would be no mourning for any one of us. in that instance, i actually embrace death. when i wake up, i believe i'm actually dead for a split second. as soon as my senses hit me again and i feel the cloth of my bedsheets and pillows, i realize it was a dream and a large part of me is regretful. i have to reiterate the fact that i am not suicidal...and i do not desire to die. at the same time, life is not something i wholly enjoy or look forward to. i hope this changes eventually but i fear it may not.

the bottom line is that i miss her so much. the only thing i'm looking forward to in santa barbara is a change of scenery. right now, everything and everywhere reminds me of her. i didn't realize how big of a role she played in my life until after she's gone. i realized she was one of my best friends and one of the people i confided in the most. i wish so much that i could be able to tell her now what i feel. i wish i could tell her how sorry i am and how she deserved a better life than she got. i could only hope now that on the day that i'm done on this earth, i will finally get to tell her these things and give her a giant kiss and a hug.

it would've been her birthday today and i have nothing to say; nothing good anyway. i need this day, week, month, year, fucking life to be over so i can see what happens after all of this. goddammit.

so disillusioned with people, so disgusted with myself. i've just gotta make it out of this month; then eventually a year; and eventually things will be calm and i'll forget. i've never felt this way before. fuck. i have a lot of outlandish wishes that i wish would come true but the only thing i want right now is a decent night of sleep. uninterrupted. i dream of the same god damn thing every time i manage to fall asleep and i'm so sick of it.

i get these really big fucking headaches these days. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and forget for a second that she's gone and i have a little anxiety attack right there in my bed. i honestly don't know what the fuck to do. i can't even look at pictures of her. it's so fucked up. 

i just realized my last post was set to public. i really hope noone read that. well, it doesn't matter anyway.

i'm not really in the mood to write a whole lot but i am in the mood to update this thing for some reason...it doesn't make a ton of sense but whatever.

-i was denied from the following: irvine, san diego, LA, and berkeley. the more i thought about it though, the more i realized i wanted to go to santa barbara all along. it could just be a self rationalization mechanism for getting denied from the "better" schools, but i actually feel like i should go to santa barbara anyway. when considering my criteria for college, i decided i wanted to be away from home but close enough to where i could come home weekends without much trouble. this leaves irvine, riverside, san diego, and santa barbara.

irvine isn't bad. they have a reputable english program. the competitive asian nerds makes me a bit reluctant though. also, there's the 5...ugh. it's also pretty hot there, i'd imagine.

riverside is where my sister goes. it's really not my thing...i applied as a safety net. there's not much to do there.

san diego is actually pretty nice. it's near a beach and the campus is really nice. i actually have this one tied with SB...though if i'm honest, i probably would've chosen SD over SB...narrow margin though. sungod is awesome.

santa barbara is great too. i've always been drawn to its location. the beach is great and there's a lot of stuff to do there. i will try my best not to develop a gambling problem. the one drawback that i can think of is the party scene/std's there. i'm not worried about getting into it, but i am worried i will be annoyed by the dunces with bluntzez. i'll manage.


i received a txt message early this morning. i'm really scared to answer it. i really don't know how i feel about the whole thing. i feel like there's something wrong with me in that regard...i just can't explain it. it's just really fucked up. the less i think about it, the better i feel. whenever i do think about it though, it really fucks me up and makes me lose sleep.

that's all i feel like writing about at the moment.

cds:
radiohead - in rainbows
spoon discography
tv on the radio - return to cookie mountain
weakerthans - reconstruction site

movies:
harold and kumar: escape from guantanamo bay
diving bell and the butterfly
lars and the real girl
cloverfield

books:
joyce - portrait of an artist as a young man
shakespeare - king lear, othello

april 22nd is home to 2 holidays: earth day and shakespeare's birthday. i had a chance to celebrate both very briefly. i wokeup at 6am like i usually do to drop off the mum at work. i proceeded to glendale for my first class of the day. pretty uneventful. i have a mass-com midterm in a couple days and i'm genuinely nervous about it. i haven't even bought the book yet and the notes i take are half-assed since i spend the majority of the class reading poetry for my english206 class. anyways, we've only had 2 graded assignments so far and they were both quizzes. i thought i did terrible on the first one but managed an A-. i actually read over my notes for the 2nd quiz and felt much better about it...even after taking it....i got a B- on that one. i hope you see where my uneasiness derives from. anyways, i drove back to noho after and felt incredibly exhausted for some reason. i made a pitstop at home for some energy in the form of a banana and a glass of milk (i'll go into this a bit more later). before i left again, i realized it was earth day...and due to my newfound appreciation for nature and the beauties of everyday mundane details, i decided it would be a good idea to meditate a bit underneath the shade of the tree in my backyard. it was actually quite pleasant and serene...i'll have to remember it to do it more often.

i proceeded to my english class slightly nervous about the cirriculum that we were going to cover that day since i wasnt sure if i had read the appropriate assignment. i saw a flyer on a door on my way to class that reminded me of the shakespeare festival that i had planned on attending. since i believed the date to be the 21st, i thought the festival would be tomorrow. i walked into class and received my midterm paper back: A! nice! then i learned that our class today would be to attend the shakespeare festival. whoa whoa whoa, that's today? holy shit, today is the 22nd. nice! i had a good time at the festival. the performances were ok but i had a good time hanging out and talking to classmates that i had never bothered to talk to before. i'm extremely quiet sometimes...to a fault, and it was nice to try my hand at actually conversing with different people...fuckin weird, right? i made a few friends and i'm happy about that. as the festival concluded, i learned i had placed 3rd in the sonnet contest...nice! i had recently become fascinated with the structure and charm of shakespearean sonnets and after a few hours of jotting down different sonnets into my notebook, i settled on one that i didn't absolutely despise. i remember writing a love-sonnet a year or so ago and i thought of submitting that one instead, but the more times i read and got into it, the more i sort of want to forget about it altogether. anyways,  after covering such cliche topics such as suicide, heartbreaks, shameless egocentrism and the like, i started writing about a painting i recently became pretty infatuated with. the painting i'm referring to is pieter bruegel the elder's famous "fall of icarus" .
 
i had also been heavily into thrice at the time and they wrote 2 songs about the event. "the melting point of wax" is an awesome song about the "live free or die" mentality of icarus as he soared fearlessly into the sky with his malleable wings. "daedalus" is a song about the same incident from the point of view of icarus' father daedalus as he watched his only son plummeting to his death. i was inspired to write something based on what daedalus might have said to icarus just before they attempted their escape into the sky. anyways, here it is, my first award-winning poem!:

Through puffy clouds of white, our souls shall meet.

The moment has come to finally fly;

To feel the breeze as it tickles our feet,

To be among the birds as we soar by.

My dear son Icarus, heed my warning:

Your fragile wings made of wax and feathers

Might lend a hand to serve you in learning

The tragic effects of extreme weather.

Ascend too close to the heat of the sun

Or coast too low near the mist of the sea

Will cause your precious wings to come undone

And you will meet death before you are free.

But the day is clear and the wind is right.

Spread your makeshift wings and prepare for flight.

reading it again, i have a hard time believing i received 3rd place at all since i do see a couple of weak lines in the middle. it doesn't flow as well if read aloud. anywho, the bright side is that i received a cool medal and the complete collection of shakespeare's sonnets. i had recently only owned (and exhaustedly read) excerpts of them. it's finally nice to have the whole thing to read...it's truly amazing.

i picked my mum up sometime in the afternoon and went to the gym afterwards. i've recently been pretty fascinated with how much i can transform my body. i know most people workout to fulfill their vain desires, achieve an athletic edge, or to maintain a healthy lifestyle. i merely hit the gym and diet to see how fast and how much it takes to achieve a certain physical state. i often see actors transforming their bodies from one extreme to another in order to assume a role authentically (refer to christian bale's transformation from american psycho>the machinist>batman begins>rescue dawn). it's absolutely unreal. jared leto has also achieved this at the other end of the spectrum as he portrays john lennon's killer in his new movie by gaining something like 50 pounds in a couple months by eating pizza and ice cream everday. i saw the poster but i will not be seeing the movie. after i push as much weights as i can and adhere to this pain-in-the-ass diet of six small meals a day, i want to see how fat and disgusting i can get too. honestly, it sounds like a lot of fun and it's probably quite bad for you, but i'm thoroughly intrigued by it just as i am about mental transformations...the valleys and peaks of the human mind is something profoundly interesting to me...how much we actually change as people on a daily basis staggers me; most people don't notice it though. but for now, this is starting to take a toll on my body as i feel pretty weak sometimes from all of the work. the upside is that i can confirm to having some shred of discipline left in me. nice! right now, my diet goes something like this:

6AM-small bowl of cheerios (lowfat milk)
7:30AM-protein shake+multivitamin
10:45AM-protein shake
3:15PM-protein shake+chicken breast w/small serving of rice
5:30PM-banana+milk
8PM-chicken breast w/o rice
9PM-protein shake
10:30PM-lowfat yogurt+banana

obviously it varies from time-to-time and obviously i don't eat chicken breast everyday. i still posess some of my juvenile tendencies in refusing to eat too much greens...i hope i can get away with it. i am not a fan of salads as an "only meal". i drink about a gallon and a half of water everyday from morning to night. i've cut out all fried foods, most complex carbs, unnatural sugars (sodas, candy etc.), and red meat. the only meats i'm eating now is chicken and occasionally turkey. this is pretty taxing on me psychologically since everyone around me eats such delicious food all the time. sometimes people buy me certain foods unaware of the diet i'm under and i absolutely eat it out of courtesy. i guess in that case, i wish more people were generous and didn't know about my diet. i frequen the gym 5 days a week with 2 of those days being purely cardio-work. i take fridays and saturdays off from the gym but i still maintain the diet as best i can.

well, that's all i feel like writing and i know it's far more than i intended to. this week should be interesting as i revisit an old friend of mine, learn about final decisions regarding schools, and take a make-or-break midterm to determine my future... a lot of things are a-changin. i hope i can keep up.

love,
jv

p.s. oh, and i'm gonna start ending each entry with what i'm reading/listening to so i can get a better sense of the context of my entry and the state-of-mind i was under when writing this enormously long entry.

book(s):
conrad - heart of darkness
shakespeare - sonnets
shakespeare - julius caesar
shakespeare - king lear

music:
thrice - the alchemy index volumes 3+4 (air+earth)
athlete - vehicles & animals
dustin kensrue - please come home

movie(s):
into the wild
feast of love
juno
before the devil knows you're dead

stop consuming my dreams!

i want to learn french and japanese but don't have the patience for it. i'm having enough trouble with my native language as it is. anways, 2 updates in a week...that's gotta be a world record or something. i wish i could sleep. it pisses me off that i'm starting to lose some of my short-term memory.

love,
jv

i've summed up the past 3 years of my life as a tired out, but memorable cliche: life is a series of trial & error. i'm still getting my acceptance letters from different universities in california and so far, santa barbara is ahead. i'm still waiting for irvine, san diego, l.a., and berkeley...i'm not sure if i applied to davis. if i didn't, i immediately regret it since that would have been a very realistic consideration. i think i could do well with cows and cornfields. it's saturday night and i've found myself with absolutely no plans and i'm a bit content that way. i took riese out for a marathon walk around the neighborhood. i had the microphones going on the ipod and it was a surreal experience to say the least...listening to "the glow pt.2" at night whilst trying to catch up to a cute yorkie is something i hope everyone experiences at least once in their lifetime.  the past few weeks have been nothing short of chaotic and it's nice to finally get some time alone to reflect on the shit that's been going on. most of my entries are completely private now since i'm not sure if i want people knowing the kind of shit i think about sometimes...i can hardly read it myself. things have settled down though and i can go back to focusing on what i need to. i need to get the fuck out of this city.

i've been rereading syd field's guide to screenwriting. there's a segment where he talks about all good stories conforming to the same structure of intro-confrontation-resolution. according to him, all 3 of these basic elements are apparent in every good story, though not exactly in that order. i disagree. obviously all events have to have some scope of time...a beginning of a series of events or timeline always leads somewhere. my opinion though is that the three elements aren't always distinctive. what i mean is a confrontation sometimes has no real resolution...sometimes an introduction is absent altogether and you're thrown right into the fray of the story. sometimes stories introduce themselves and do not seem to develop as far as plot points or other devices. sounds like a shitty story, right? well, if we look at life as one gigantic story instead of a collection of experiences, we can see that the intro-confrontation is definitely present (otherwise neither one of us would be reading this right now). but do we really receive a personal resolution? do we really get to reflect back on our lives after they've transpired and analyze whether or not it was a "good" one? a meaningful one? were we loved? will we be remembered after our death? will my grandchildren know my name? will they hear stories of me? if so, what kind of impression would i have among future generations? did i really make the best decisions in life? sure, some people can attempt analyze their lives pre-death and come to a reasonable reconciliation about what kind of life they led, but one can never totally formulate an accurate assessment of their lives after their death. does that make our lives a "bad" story? does it make our story incomplete? ok, what the fuck am i saying? i got a bit carried away but i hope the future me gets the point.

i feel bad for dropping my screenwriting class. i was concerned about whether or not i could handle another writing-based course but if i had known i'd be sitting at home on a saturday staring at the bright glow of my computer monitor, i'd much rather be doing a creative writing exercise. i think that's a big problem of mine. i love to do certain things but i can never self-motivate myself to do them on my own time without an impending deadline. i've pulled 2 all-nighters earlier in the week and they were a blast. by blast, of course i mean they were excruciating. though it's mind-blowing to know how much you can create when you're really forced to...and how organically things seem to come out when your eyes are red and your head is pounding. i guess it's a bit paradoxical but i've always been fascinated by that aspect of suffering to create good writing. other brilliant writers seem to rely on opiates or mental anguish to create beautiful works...i wonder if one could have the same effect with sleep-deprivation. meh, if not i can always turn to recreational drug abuse. 

i miss certain people that i don't keep in contact with. i miss a certain someone who I fucked over. in fact, i think about her every hour. i miss having that one person to be able to tell everything to;someone to rely on. i guess i miss a best friend. i hate not being able to trust people, but i hate trusting the wrong people even more. but most of all, i hate trusting myself. i am so ashamed of things that i've done, promises i've made and broken, people i've taken advantage of, people i've neglected, people i've been dishonest with. i'm just sick of letting people down. i always vow to be there for people and for the most part, i try my best to be. i can't believe i'm not there for her. i feel nothing but guilt and regret. a part of me wishes i had never met her but another part of me wishes i was born a different person just so i could be with her....with her. i wish this world was smaller. i wish my wishes weren't completely futile, but they seem to be.

"the days go on and on and they never end. i don't think people should devote their lives to morbid self-attention. i believe people should live their lives like other normal people. the first time i saw her was at the palantine campaign headquarters at the corner of 63rd and broadway. she was wearing a white dress. she appeared to me like an angel...among the sea of filth. she was alone. they cannot touch her."
i watched taxi driver again last night and i'm trying to rephrase one of my favorite scenes ever and i'm hoping my memory serves me well and that i didn't botch it up too badly. i'm sure it's not totally verbatim.

i have trouble sleeping nowadays. there's this girl that i "met" that's sort of been plaguing my thoughts. i use "met" because i didn't actually say anything to her but i overheard, observed, and admired her. she was completely  fantastical. she was a patient at st. joseph's in the behavorial wing of the hospital. her mom was visiting her and had been visiting her the entire week. the sadness i saw in her mother's eyes was something that i'm hoping to never be able to fully comprehend in my lifetime. it might sound silly but the girl reminded me of the character ofelia in pan's labyrinth if she hadn't died (at least that's how i perceived the ending to be); if the fantasy that encompassed her thoughts actually took precedence in her head without the conclusion of physical death. the shitty part is i know nothing of her backstory and i have no clue what her diagnosis is...my guess is a severe case of autism. all i know is that she represented a sense of uncompromised, pure beauty that i've never really seen before and i have no reason why. i'm sure that statement could be construed as completely ignorant to people who have directly been affected with the disorder but it really was my honest impression at the time. i think she was someone who could not handle this world and she could not handle death either. i think she's somewhere between the living and the dead. she is literally in her own world and i wish i knew where it was. this is so fucking stupid but i have dreams about her sometimes. i try not to think about it because it depresses me that i'll never be a part of her world. i don't consider myself a misanthrope but i certainly admit to possessing some misanthropic tendencies. i had this same reaction after reading the diary of anne frank for the first time in middle school. in this case, my perception of her is entirely speculative and based on no real concrete fact at all. i suppose she is what i want her to be...she's my blank slate and the fact that i'll never meet her will only make her even more profoundly beautiful to me. but she's out there somewhere oblivious to the pangs of life. she is invincible. she is immortal. "they cannot touch her".

alright, i think i'm done with this for now. i'm thinking about toggling this one to private too but maybe someone will stumble across this old entry somewhere down the road and understand why i've been acting so strangely. you could just assume i've descended to lunacy. take care.

love,
jv

i should be asleep by now, since i have to get up at 5 tomorrow morning. but i'm a man of irony and because of this, i've decided to compile a short list from the top of my head of albums that are perfect to fall asleep listening to. the criteria varies. they could be my personal nostalgic albums, atmospheric albums, ambient albums, or just general sleep-inducing albums. that's not to say they're boring, but they help empty the mind when it really needs to be dumped. it's actually pretty amazing because if you're focused and intent, you could listen to these albums carefully and realize the amount of depth in every drone, strum, beat, and silence. as always, ymmv, but headphones are always preferred. anyways, i hope to add to this list as it comes to me. here are a few to start off:

boards of canada - music has the right to children
emiliana torrini - fisherman's woman
explosions in the sky - the world is not a cold dead place
feist - the reminder
glen hansard & marketa irglova - the swell season
joanna newsom - ys
norah jones - come away with me
the jesus and mary chain - psychocandy
brian eno - music for airports
the good life - novena on a nocturn
damien rice - o
radiohead - kid a
iron & wine - the creek drank the cradle
stars of the lid - the tired sounds of stars of the lid
cat power - what would the community think?

most of these bands/artists' other albums would do the trick too, but the above are just my favorite at falling asleep to. i'll try to add to this list as they come to me but anywho, excuse me while i go take my own advice..zzzzzz.

so i've finally managed to achieve the level of boredom required to revisit this old thing. and i've realized i've said a lot of nonsense over the year(s). there have been observations i don't even remember. i've forgotten how embarassing it can be to read these old entries...i almost want to go back in time and kick my own ass. it's not so much the content of it, but the style that i write in. it's the tiny pseudo quips that bug the shit out of me. but i do miss this thing purely as an outlet to store whatever thoughts or events i might like to remember for the future. i also miss reading other people's entries as well. unfortunately, most of my friends have abandoned this thing already. i'm usually very quiet when i'm around people and i never really get to know who i'm talking to. this place alleviates a lot of that pressure for me and it's something i've sort of taken for granted. it's just my nature, i suppose. so with that said, i guess i will get back into writing in this. i've also contemplated using it as a sort of a photo-blog, but i realized i probably don't have enough photos to really make it work. so i guess in that regard, i should focus on taking some more snaps before i can pursue that idea. but for now, i will write in this occasionally, for my own benefit. if anyone happens to stumble across my ramblings, it'll be a hidden treat for them.


god, i'm already getting flustered with myself....


R.I.P. kurt vonnegut, the inspiration for my last journal entry, almost 2 years ago...

So I'm sitting here at 4:37am ready to go to bed. I'm watching the early morning news and it looks like there are tons of stuff goin on. First thing I saw was a bull jumping into a crowd of people and serving an old lady up with his horns. I think they ended up killing the bull. And so it goes. Then I see footage from Brazil (I think) of a guy picking up a black bag from the water, unwrapping it, and finding a live baby. The first question I'd like to ask is "WTF?!" And who films themselves grabbing a black sack out of a river anyway? Weird. Then there's Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is on TV with the chick from Dawson's creek. Later, I see what looks like a ghost in the corner of my eye. What seemed like a ghost was actually the American hostage captured in Iraq. Anyone else find it semi-disturbing to see a young pale woman pleading desperately for her life? She seemed like she was crying and muttering different pleas to comply with the set demands. There's no audio so her cries are literally being unheard. And so it goes..

As I was about to write closing words, I see some footage of 4 cops beating the shit out of one man lying on the ground. It's sad that this kind of thing loses all shock value to me now. What a terrible fucking thing. Time to go back to my hole. Take care whoever reads this.

I think I'm still missing phone numbers from people after switchin my cell..so please please please please leave me your number somehow someway. I miss talking to people. I'm like a phantom on AIM so good luck.

Plus anyone who caught my not-so-subtle Vonnegut remarks deserves a high-five...way to go!

i'm goin to CANADA tomorrow. i'm excited, nervous, and a little tired. i'm gonna miss home a lot, but i really feel like i need this break. i couldn't imagine staying home during summer and going to school. the motivation is pretty much gone and i just need to jumpstart my spirits and i'm very, very stoked to be staying with such awesome people. so i'll be gone over a month and i've never been away from home for so long...it's an experience i'm eager to face. i'm gonna miss you guys in the states! i'll talk to you bastards on AIM and i'll post in your livejournals. have a good summer, guys.